I know. You've heard the insane rambling about me being a bad blogger. Of how I'll do better. I promised. I have not kept that promise. I know, I know... Bad Semi-Insane Blogger! The craziness that is my life just weeds out some things. Not that I don't enjoy being able to update you on the happenings in my life, or that TWILIGHT THURSDAY isn't super important, I just have been busy.
I spend a lot of my time grading papers, dealing with craziness and crap, trying to give my girls all the attention they need ( & more because I fight the working mom guilt), and trying to not let my marriage be put on the back-burner. It all is a job for one strong and well organized woman. Most days, I don't feel strong or well-organized. I feel sorely inadequate. I feel like the chaos is creeping in and may take over. I feel fear and anxiety. I feel like I'm not enough.
After we moved to Texas, almost ten years ago, I had some severe anxiety issues. Like stay in the house, I don't want to face the world, panic attacks in Walmart issues! I saw a doctor who I think immediately thought I was insane and wanted the meds to start flowing. I refused. Sometimes I feel those "the world is closing in" feelings every now and then. About two weeks ago, with craziness at school, those feelings almost took over. There was little sleep and lots of worry. Then my supreme fear that I truly may go insane started to kick in. It was a horrible week or so. While I am better now, and things are ok at school, it still threw me off my game a little.
Even though I know God is control of it all, that even if I go insane, He's still all powerful, sometimes it's hard to see that glorious picture for all the debris of the world. I'm working on being faithful and relying fully on the Creator. I tend to be a control freak, so sometimes, I get in the way of HIS will. I will work on that.
Anyway... enough of my blogging sob story. I will try very hard to better. I will have TWILIGHT Thursday tomorrow. I know it's important because who doesn't love, love, love hot vampires! I know I do!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
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